Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Said the murderer.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum