Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.