Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit