sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ