sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Milk Cube
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.