Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.