Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.