Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Terribly Tuesday.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”