Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.