Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff