Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

You look like you would fail a DNA test

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.