Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*