Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Sharon, call the vet

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside