Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.