Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
You Might Also Like
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.