It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My birth announcement for our third baby
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁