*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!