*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
You Might Also Like
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address