*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.