Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
i made a craigslist ad !
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I feel like one of these would kill a European
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Traveler’s camo
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I was bored.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.