*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
You got this…
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”