*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.