*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.