Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.