*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about