*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.