[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My dad teaching me to drive
Don’t make me out nice you.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.