Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

I wanna be friends with this person

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.