Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

this chia pet tastes awful

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut