[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
me logging onto twitter
How many? 🤔
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.