Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
