Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
You Might Also Like
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
buying dead houseplants to save time
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Animal poetry
