Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Me trying to reach for my goals

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.