Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Oh. My. God.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Mad Max: Furry Road

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.