Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

There is no “we” in chocolate.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.