*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.