*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Terribly Tuesday.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?