Sniffing the broccoli
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
🙀🙀🙀😹
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I put the p in pants.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t