Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT