<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
screw you
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too