Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on