Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now