Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Reminder: