Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅