*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut