*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
guys i’ve cracked the code
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you