Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

584.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

“I wouldn’t.”

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]