Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers