Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

This is always good for a laugh.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁