Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.