“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Meow
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy