SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Love this guy
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit