SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.