Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
#winning
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.