Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point