Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Cool shirt 🙂
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
#Caturday
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells