Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

watergate? u mean a dam??

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*