Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
THE DOG😭😭💀
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.