Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun