Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!