Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Best spot.. 😅

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.