Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
You Might Also Like
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it