Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Finally, a door that understands me
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.