when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
what kind of cook setting is this??
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
fr
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.