Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
They did not miss in the small print
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
what it’s like dating me:
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.