Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Am I having a stroke?

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

I think that’s enough internet for one day…