Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure