5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine