[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.