@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

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@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@SamTR7

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

@SortaBad

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

@rockymomax

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

@1followernodad

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.