@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

- @boozemunkee

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@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@Mr_Kapowski

Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”

@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

@TheTweetOfGod

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@samalmightysam

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.