Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.