Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.